A Series of Random Paragraphs
The following is just thoughts from my head and heart. But they can be very triggering for various reasons. The truth and perspective of life from a soul that is in pain or is recovering from extreme trauma is only meant for other that have been in the same spot and are looking to relate to someone. So you have been warned.
There is none so fair as that of the voice of the one you love. Softly speaking, barely above a whisper, the words that melt your heart and soothe your soul.
I kissed you on the forehead this morning, you were sleepy, and you were soft and gorgeous. You were delicate, I thought to myself, how beautiful and wondrous this woman is in my life. I kissed you good-bye, and briefly envisioned all the things that could happen to me today, all the challenges, all the trials, and my mortality. I jerked suddenly in my shoes as I thought, I wonder if I will get to kiss you on the forehead tomorrow morning.
My breath stopped in my lungs as I came around the corner of my cube this morning. I felt the air nearly stale in this space that is meant to be my joy, my happiness. There is the computer, that ominous and beautiful machine. The screen peered out at me like an evil ghoul in the night. And yet I was drawn to it. Like I was drawn to the edge of a cliff. "Just one peek over the edge, I promise to hold tight to the railing." The urges in my gut caused me to quiver in my step, my confidence waning. Fighting the onslaught of images from the day before that seemed to flash, half in my mind, and half projected on the blank screen, I forced myself to approach it, knowing that this beast carried with it the tools necessary for me to complete my tasks at hand. Feeling physically ill, the taste of bile was present in my throat as I turned on the machine. I did so carefully, with all the respect that a lion tamer would use with his beast, knowing full well that the lion raised in captivity is never domesticated, trained only at its leisure, and willing to turn at the drop of a hat. As the screen lights up, its color reflects in my already glossy eyes, And so my morning begin
Have you ever seen an aborted baby?
It is sad,
It is this little life,
That was,
Now it is a bloody pulpy mass floating in the toilet.
With nothing left but torn places in an emotional heart.
And wondering,
What would have been?
A beating heart is interesting from the perspective of how it feeds the body the fluid it needs. But the constant spasmatic and violent thumping of rich blood soaked muscle contractions seems more the type of thing that defines my head. Even the color, the deep red. Visceral. Dark.
Sitting on the edge of consciousness I watch my life thru my own eyelids. Feeling like a quadriplegic in my own body I can’t move. The sensation of numbness crawls across my entire body from my heart and loins at the same time. Soaking my entire body from the inside out in a thick heavy blanket. Not the type grandma would make. Because although it is all too familiar, and seemingly comfortable, it is elusive and slippery. It lasts but a second, soothing all, than washing away into the deep recess of my mind like a billowy, shady, grey fog. Leaving my blood shot eyes continuing to peer thru my eyelids. Sprawled out in a bathroom stall, I try to “soak” in some sort of “glow” it is already gone. My backaches, my mouth is dry. My head throbs, and my mind is already playing tricks on me, am I in reality? Or did that just pass. Was that brief few seconds the only reality that really exists. I don’t know any more, and it scares me. Paranoid, I go back to work, after all I have a job to do, don’t wanna slack.
emotion,
an ocean
with flowing waves
with winds blowing
it saves
like the sighs
we make
to buy us a break
like signs of life
the life we take
in the wake
of strife
like a knife
it waits
cutting the cuts
gutting the guts
ripping and stripping
tripping and whipping
sipping and flipping
you the bird
word,
not a word
a phrase
rhetorical haze
metaphysical phase
my centrifical ways
will amaze
experience it
you chicken shit
cock sucking trick
feel it
feel it
feel it
the thoughts
like dots
on the ocean,
its your emotion
with flowing waves
You don’t know the pain I have seen. And the pain I have caused, just to be mean.
I mean the pain I see I seem to believe, is the result of relief I think I need.
I see the world rot beside me, I wonder why we fought and died, we sought the good fight and died on a good night.
Im a changed man, and no body knows it.
Gotta new game plan, my attidtued swhos it.
A vigor for life I don’t wanna die
Flyin high as a kite but Im a lost guy
Lookin for a man in my life that wasn’t there
A father figure, that I couldn’t bare.
Fuck a friend, in the end a hug and a chat would a been a lot better
They call me a souljah, but I want to rest.
I thought I told ya, I took my test
Let me alone and let the peace grab hold
Thro me a bone sos I can least get old
The challenges have been far to many and mighty
The depths of my mind are
Closed to me.
I search the world around
Trying to see.
But I cant
So I wait
And I shant debate the hate
That I feel.
In my heart
Ther the truth lies
despite all the lies
I tell my slef to avoid.
To fill a void
What ever shall I do.
Have faith
Have courage, I have naivete
Cant you see
Blame me, but don’t try to be me.
Don’t see me
Stay away lest you fall in and I win.
The great manipulation is on, and we both fell head over heels for it.
Ther is something beyond my gaze.
It eludes me all my days
And though I try to clear the haze
I realize quickly that blindness stays.
I have no patientce. I want it now.
I know what it takes I just don’t know how
To ask, will you be my friend,
Will you be to the end
Can we be together in silence and I not try to run away.
Can we avoid the violence and in peace stay
Can we sit together and wtahc the sunset,
can you be mad a t me and I not know it yet.
And laugh at your jokes, and hold your hand firm, and hope upon hopes that I can learn to be your firend.
I hide in my soloitude there in fron of you. Wondering why you cant see
The pain is so real but, you will not love me if, you see it and share it with me.
Unfinished words that tell volumes of unfinished stories of my life in dangers path. In my own path.
Sickness and disease have racked my head and heart, and I prey for someone to come and take it away. I stand in my head shouting to you for help thru lips that do not move, dare not move unless you see me as weak.
I stand in judgement of myself by watching you look at me. I see through your eyes in my head at a mess in front of you.
I hide in plain sight behind jokes at my own expense. Laugh, that is good, I made you happy, I am now happy. We area all happy. Will you be my friend?
Thank you, now I am in, and can steal your innocence and anything else of value I have then blame it on my naivety and my in ability to be human.
Forgive and forget, me.
You live and you learn, I learn to live as I live to learn.
I watch you watching me and I know what you are thinking. But I cant tell you in case I am wrong, or right. Because I don’t want to be either.
My madness
My sadness
My badness
My gladness
My random acts of
Flatulence
That escapes
the gapes
of my
pie hole
why so
frightful?
My mind has seen the glory of the coming of my insanity, panicly and franticlly I cleing to my reality
But slowly all goes grey and my heart begans to pound, my truth is not my truth.
Glory, glory Im a nut job,
Glory, glory Im a nut job,
Analys the annual lies I tell my well self that speaks well itself to no one but my lonely head.
Going back to the line before, I find my mind like a soldier at war, has scars and bars and all sorts of barriers, ferry the weary thoughts thru areas across the sea of my cloudy and pouty exsistence.
I find an escape from the harshness of life by searching the realities of my mind.
I miss my granddad.
All at once the way is clear.
I lie down and have no fear.
The truth behold has now been shown
And truth be told the angels have flown
For in my eyes I see the light
Lord please guide me, thru the night
This, my path, the way is clear
The lord hath taken away my fear
And now I lay me down to sleep,
The pain I pray, will cause no peep
Soon tis true my soul departs
I leave behind broken hearts.
A life long lived and truly blessed
I tried to give and passed the test
Love I’ve known, and held so close
A jealousy is shared by most
The fortunate one with gifts abound
Rest now easy in the sacred ground
And as the days sun rays set low
I wish to let you all to know
Don’t mourn for me, I lay in peace
Don’t cry at all, let the tears cease
Think of the day I touched your life
And share that with my loving wife.
There is none so fair as that of the voice of the one you love. Softly speaking, barely above a whisper, the words that melt your heart and soothe your soul.
I kissed you on the forehead this morning, you were sleepy, and you were soft and gorgeous. You were delicate, I thought to myself, how beautiful and wondrous this woman is in my life. I kissed you good-bye, and briefly envisioned all the things that could happen to me today, all the challenges, all the trials, and my mortality. I jerked suddenly in my shoes as I thought, I wonder if I will get to kiss you on the forehead tomorrow morning.
My breath stopped in my lungs as I came around the corner of my cube this morning. I felt the air nearly stale in this space that is meant to be my joy, my happiness. There is the computer, that ominous and beautiful machine. The screen peered out at me like an evil ghoul in the night. And yet I was drawn to it. Like I was drawn to the edge of a cliff. "Just one peek over the edge, I promise to hold tight to the railing." The urges in my gut caused me to quiver in my step, my confidence waning. Fighting the onslaught of images from the day before that seemed to flash, half in my mind, and half projected on the blank screen, I forced myself to approach it, knowing that this beast carried with it the tools necessary for me to complete my tasks at hand. Feeling physically ill, the taste of bile was present in my throat as I turned on the machine. I did so carefully, with all the respect that a lion tamer would use with his beast, knowing full well that the lion raised in captivity is never domesticated, trained only at its leisure, and willing to turn at the drop of a hat. As the screen lights up, its color reflects in my already glossy eyes, And so my morning begin
Have you ever seen an aborted baby?
It is sad,
It is this little life,
That was,
Now it is a bloody pulpy mass floating in the toilet.
With nothing left but torn places in an emotional heart.
And wondering,
What would have been?
A beating heart is interesting from the perspective of how it feeds the body the fluid it needs. But the constant spasmatic and violent thumping of rich blood soaked muscle contractions seems more the type of thing that defines my head. Even the color, the deep red. Visceral. Dark.
Sitting on the edge of consciousness I watch my life thru my own eyelids. Feeling like a quadriplegic in my own body I can’t move. The sensation of numbness crawls across my entire body from my heart and loins at the same time. Soaking my entire body from the inside out in a thick heavy blanket. Not the type grandma would make. Because although it is all too familiar, and seemingly comfortable, it is elusive and slippery. It lasts but a second, soothing all, than washing away into the deep recess of my mind like a billowy, shady, grey fog. Leaving my blood shot eyes continuing to peer thru my eyelids. Sprawled out in a bathroom stall, I try to “soak” in some sort of “glow” it is already gone. My backaches, my mouth is dry. My head throbs, and my mind is already playing tricks on me, am I in reality? Or did that just pass. Was that brief few seconds the only reality that really exists. I don’t know any more, and it scares me. Paranoid, I go back to work, after all I have a job to do, don’t wanna slack.
emotion,
an ocean
with flowing waves
with winds blowing
it saves
like the sighs
we make
to buy us a break
like signs of life
the life we take
in the wake
of strife
like a knife
it waits
cutting the cuts
gutting the guts
ripping and stripping
tripping and whipping
sipping and flipping
you the bird
word,
not a word
a phrase
rhetorical haze
metaphysical phase
my centrifical ways
will amaze
experience it
you chicken shit
cock sucking trick
feel it
feel it
feel it
the thoughts
like dots
on the ocean,
its your emotion
with flowing waves
You don’t know the pain I have seen. And the pain I have caused, just to be mean.
I mean the pain I see I seem to believe, is the result of relief I think I need.
I see the world rot beside me, I wonder why we fought and died, we sought the good fight and died on a good night.
Im a changed man, and no body knows it.
Gotta new game plan, my attidtued swhos it.
A vigor for life I don’t wanna die
Flyin high as a kite but Im a lost guy
Lookin for a man in my life that wasn’t there
A father figure, that I couldn’t bare.
Fuck a friend, in the end a hug and a chat would a been a lot better
They call me a souljah, but I want to rest.
I thought I told ya, I took my test
Let me alone and let the peace grab hold
Thro me a bone sos I can least get old
The challenges have been far to many and mighty
The depths of my mind are
Closed to me.
I search the world around
Trying to see.
But I cant
So I wait
And I shant debate the hate
That I feel.
In my heart
Ther the truth lies
despite all the lies
I tell my slef to avoid.
To fill a void
What ever shall I do.
Have faith
Have courage, I have naivete
Cant you see
Blame me, but don’t try to be me.
Don’t see me
Stay away lest you fall in and I win.
The great manipulation is on, and we both fell head over heels for it.
Ther is something beyond my gaze.
It eludes me all my days
And though I try to clear the haze
I realize quickly that blindness stays.
I have no patientce. I want it now.
I know what it takes I just don’t know how
To ask, will you be my friend,
Will you be to the end
Can we be together in silence and I not try to run away.
Can we avoid the violence and in peace stay
Can we sit together and wtahc the sunset,
can you be mad a t me and I not know it yet.
And laugh at your jokes, and hold your hand firm, and hope upon hopes that I can learn to be your firend.
I hide in my soloitude there in fron of you. Wondering why you cant see
The pain is so real but, you will not love me if, you see it and share it with me.
Unfinished words that tell volumes of unfinished stories of my life in dangers path. In my own path.
Sickness and disease have racked my head and heart, and I prey for someone to come and take it away. I stand in my head shouting to you for help thru lips that do not move, dare not move unless you see me as weak.
I stand in judgement of myself by watching you look at me. I see through your eyes in my head at a mess in front of you.
I hide in plain sight behind jokes at my own expense. Laugh, that is good, I made you happy, I am now happy. We area all happy. Will you be my friend?
Thank you, now I am in, and can steal your innocence and anything else of value I have then blame it on my naivety and my in ability to be human.
Forgive and forget, me.
You live and you learn, I learn to live as I live to learn.
I watch you watching me and I know what you are thinking. But I cant tell you in case I am wrong, or right. Because I don’t want to be either.
My madness
My sadness
My badness
My gladness
My random acts of
Flatulence
That escapes
the gapes
of my
pie hole
why so
frightful?
My mind has seen the glory of the coming of my insanity, panicly and franticlly I cleing to my reality
But slowly all goes grey and my heart begans to pound, my truth is not my truth.
Glory, glory Im a nut job,
Glory, glory Im a nut job,
Analys the annual lies I tell my well self that speaks well itself to no one but my lonely head.
Going back to the line before, I find my mind like a soldier at war, has scars and bars and all sorts of barriers, ferry the weary thoughts thru areas across the sea of my cloudy and pouty exsistence.
I find an escape from the harshness of life by searching the realities of my mind.
I miss my granddad.
All at once the way is clear.
I lie down and have no fear.
The truth behold has now been shown
And truth be told the angels have flown
For in my eyes I see the light
Lord please guide me, thru the night
This, my path, the way is clear
The lord hath taken away my fear
And now I lay me down to sleep,
The pain I pray, will cause no peep
Soon tis true my soul departs
I leave behind broken hearts.
A life long lived and truly blessed
I tried to give and passed the test
Love I’ve known, and held so close
A jealousy is shared by most
The fortunate one with gifts abound
Rest now easy in the sacred ground
And as the days sun rays set low
I wish to let you all to know
Don’t mourn for me, I lay in peace
Don’t cry at all, let the tears cease
Think of the day I touched your life
And share that with my loving wife.
posted by sketchtopia at 5:25 PM
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